Rocked my interview at the Rite Aid job fair stoned. Love myself.
Ate before work for once; it was love.
Watching lots of documentaries/interviews lately. Highlights being:Collapse
It's an interview gone awry of a guy who is cooler than you, despite having been a cop. For the best, imo.The Century of the Self
I'm only through two of the four segments, but it's incredibly illuminating. Found a new person to hate: Edward Bernays. Lots of great information as to how our culture became what it has in the past century.The Iceman Confesses
Utterly enthralling interviews with a hitman for the mafia with a thirty year long career. Totally appeals to my morbid sensibilities.
ps don't be a square
$25 in tips today. Bought much needed new shoes
. Eleven band show tonight at THE TERRORDOME.
Feeling lots of extremes with only a numbness as middle ground.
On Tuesdays, my friends and I bowl. It's $2 a game/shoe rentals/pints of PBR. Plus, there's a ping pong table that costs a whopping fifty cents to use for however long we feel. The pool is absurdly expensive, as much as I hate to say it, but I'mma be leaving those fancy looking tables alone. Needless to say, it's a pretty fun thing to be doing once a week.
Wednesdays, to help
my coworker Brittany myself, I took her closing shift so that she can pursue her bartending career. Which, if she can actualize, she'll be quiting Jimmy Johns. AKA more hours for me.
Anyhow, this mostly means that I work an eleven hour day every Wednesday now and can afford my meager lifestyle again without having to cut corners/hope someone will let me cover their shift at least once a week. Not necessarily desirable in the least, but you do what you gotta do, you know?
Definitely in the market for another job, but it has to be definitely better. I'm not going to quit a shitty job for another shitty job. It just doesn't make sense. Furthermore, this other shitty job doesn't have my coworker, Kristi, who I have been smitten with since I first laid eyes upon her. We're becoming better and better friends and being on shift with her makes all of this bullshit, if not worth it, bearable.
Mostly meaning I am going to try to pursue a friendship outside of work before burning the only bridge I have to her. I'd hate myself for not at least trying.
Something weighing heavily on my mind:
I can't see any sort of future for myself.
Assuming old roles. Wish I had forgotten how to play this part.
Rebecca friended me on facebook last night. I know this is a hundred shades of stupid, but this is huge for me.
I try not to talk about it, because no one likes a whining jerk, but I still miss her every day. Snuggling with my friend Erica last week and there was an infinitely long period of ten minutes where I was trying to inconspicuously take deep breaths in an attempt to hold back my tears because the only thing I could think about was how much I missed Rebecca.
Don't know how I could have explained that one away without looking like a total jerk.
I still cry.
More than anything at this point, I am filled with this bittersweet happiness that I was able to have the relationship that I did with her. My thoughts are bombarded by the small things that she did for me and to this very moment, I am tickled by the warmth of her love.
Somehow moving away has only accented my feelings for Rebecca.
Oh, why did I have to be too self-absorbed and selfish to be so oblivious to what was in front of me? Really kicking myself hard. That's a mistake I am trying to be 100% on guard to avoid. I know mistakes are okay to make, for they're opportunities to learn. But why did I have to make such huge mistakes on the one thing I cared about more than anything? It'll help me be a better person in the future, but it is tragic to me now.
I can't believe we're talking again. I couldn't sleep last night I was so giddy.
lol @ me failbot 360
You are a beautiful person.
My house is starting to suck significantly less.
Still some rent bullshit that I can't seem to care about. I'm busting my ass and paying what I need to be when it needs to be paid.
If I have to start caring about this, I am going to be irate.
Haven't been spending any money on anything and I think that thusly I'll be able to start my business with my upcoming paycheck.
I haven't been this unkind to my shins since Kindergarten.
Found me a snuggle buddy.
Started me a band.
Went to Hallowmas and had me a blast.
I don't even know where to start.
Meeting up with so many sick friends from forever ago. Many of them didn't even live in Philly when I knew them.
So many cool people live within blocks of me.
Not really hopeful in regards to the haunted house gig, as I wasn't able to make it to the first audition. Why did the only time my flight was full in the past several months the time my dream job depended upon it?
Gettin' mad excited about tons of shit.
Though, yesterday was officially the end of my summer.
Got a sweet job at Jimmy Johns where I get to spend a good amount of time outside riding my bike.
Going to have the strongest legs.
Definitely 180 since my last entry.
Strange how it works that way.
I'm in Oceanside, CA kickin' it with my long lost cousin Declan. He's good people. He took me snorkeling and we swam with a school of leopard sharks. Saw me a baby one.
My bestie Charles might be moving into my new house. FUCK YES.
Sometimes I make things seem a lot worse than they really are, you know, victimizing myself. This is inherently part of my problem.
Another part of the problem is that I selfishly don't allow people 'in'. I am closed to the world on the premise that if I don't get close to anything, then I can't get hurt.
This is no way to live, if you can even really call it that.
Most of my woes are my own doing. The situation that I am currently in is always the best opportunity to be happy. It's hard to wrap the thought around, but I am selfishly keeping myself miserable.
I really hope no one feels bad/sorry for me for how I portray myself in my last entry. It should have been private. Just a method for me to process how I'm feeling, not the best representation of who and what I am. Just a small piece to a much bigger picture.
Shit really isn't that bad.
Though, I am painfully alone at times and I really do need someone to talk to. I have a few friends that I chat online with who mean everything to me, but I would like eye contact and all that jazz. Someone to pick up on the subtleties that are absent in the written word. I would also like to see that they understand.
There were shining bits of honesty in that artfully misleading self-portrait.
Take it with a grain of salt.
Met this cat Martin from London last night. He went to high school with BRIGHTER.
Hanging out with the friends I grew up with in Arizona has made me feel more like a loser than I have ever felt in my life. For as long as I can remember, I've rejected the standard of success embedded into this culture, (money, status, property, fame, etc.)
My only ambition is to be happy and a 'good' person, (whatever the fuck that means.)
When people think of me, I want them to reflect, "Taylor was a good friend, I was a better person to have known him."
Pretty awful, huh?
Especially because I can kind of be a shitty friend, (though I am to some noticeable success improving in this area.)
In any case, all of my friends are becoming amazing people doing amazing things and I just feel so subpar. I confessed to one of my friends my feelings on the matter and his response was, "At least you escaped Arizona, I'm jealous of that."
The grass is always greener, you know?
Phil is next to me cursing vehemently at the printer for not working. Not even his vitriol at Windows 7 is enough to cheer me up. I fucking hate this 'trying-not-to-cry-in-front-of-your-friends' business. It's isolating.
..but, what else is new?
Fishboy/Watercolor Paintings tonight.
Australia/The Lucksmiths in but a few days.
Passport was at the parentals' when I showed up today. Just snagged me a visa to 'stralia.
It's beautiful to me that, simultaneously, I can feel both miserable and amazing.
Three hundred dollars for taxes and fees! Outrageous.
The ticket itself was only $549.
Though, when I depart from Australia on 6:00am on Aug 31st, I arrive in LA at 7:00am Aug 31st. FUCKING WEIRD MINDFUCK X3934985884.
The lady who cashed my check today miscounted my stack of hundreds and gave me AN EXTRA BILL.
Getting an extra hundred dollars is definitely on my list of of things that I want to be happening to me.
Then I busked with my clinical study buddy in Tacoma and made $22 in one hour. That's $11 a piece.
Tomorrow is Natem. DMT, my psychedelic holy grail, I shall consume thee.
Going to be stuck inside tonight for the meteor shower.
Starting, despite my vigilant efforts, to have feelings for a friend of mine. She's crushin' on me back too. There are definite downsides to this, but, I must admit, it's nice to have someone who can put a lasting smile on my face without trying.
Whoa, whoa, got a new thing crashing through.